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may

Forgiving myself

coping mechanism: lying
I can forgive myself for doing this because:
I had to lie when I was growing up
I was ashamed of the truth
I couldn't tell the difference between the truth and lies
Lying made me feel more secure and powerful

coping mechanism: repeating abuse
I can forgive myself for doing this because
I didn't learn any other way
I didn't think I was worth protecting
I felt powerless
I learned that my purpose in life was a receptacle for other people's shit

coping mecanism: hitting myself
I can forgive myself for doing this because:
it helped me feel pain
it reminded me I was real
cause sometimes I'm too overwhelmed to do anything else
I learned that I was bad and needed to be punished

coping mechanism: perfectionism
I can forgive myself for doing this because:
it was the only way I had control over my life
I thought if I was perfect or "good" that I wouldn't be abused
I learned that every mistake had disastrous consequences and I had to be punished
If I ever broke or lost something, there wasn't money to fix or replace it

excerpt from - I've got angels in my head - zine by billie rain